Thoughts From Along the Road to Self-Development	back to Articles
Written by Anon · First published in 6ft+ magazine Q3 1993

Not long ago I wrote an article, "The Unseen Abuse", in which I recounted my childhood experiences. Since then certain of my views have changed and I felt it was time to update matters, an ammendment article, if you like.

I want to apologise to anyone who got the impression from the original article, that I had "made it". Far from it: I'm still a jibbering wreck at times, I blow things out of all proportion, take small incidents completely out of context, and worry incessantly (nine times out of ten pointlessly).

At the time of writing "Unseen Abuse" I had firmly placed myself on what I believed was the road to recovery. I was devouring self-help books, and had convinced myself that I was making great progress. The problem was that I had unreal expectations. I wanted to be totally confident, worry free, positive and happy, like so many people around me appeared to be, and I was impatient for it. Searching for the impossible, I had created yet another brickbat to bash myself over the head with when I failed to live up to my own expectations.

It can be frightening to see your idols crumble before your eyes, but at the same time comforting. Suddenly the marble statues of virtue, by whom I had been judging myself became real, fallible, human beings, just like me. Strangely, I found that I liked them all the more for it. I also began to like myself a lot more. Now I can't find one completely emotionally healthy person: we're all screwed up to a greater or lesser extent, some people just hide it better than others (what a relief!). Welcome to the human race.

So what does all this mean? First, I can stop being so harsh on myself. I'm no less of a person for finding things hard to deal with, I'm no less of a person because I'm afraid. We all find certain things difficult to deal with, and we are all afraid of something - it's part of being a human in modern society.

Secondly, if everyone has these feelings of insecurity, why should I worry about what others think of me? They are probably too concerned with what I might be thinking about them, to think anything unsavoury about me!

Thirdly, it's not worth trying to be like someone else, because I can never be anyone but myself. Since no-one is perfect, why should I try to be like someone who is imperfect, when I already am? I can just be me.

Next question: How can I be me, when I've been denying me for so long? Being me means accepting everything about me for what it is; after all, it is what it is, is it not? My height, my appearance, my moods, my emotions, my thoughts: they are what they are, and though I may not like them, I have to accept them before I can do anything about them.

I cannot change my height, but if I accept it, I can eventually change the way I perceive it. To deny my height and fight against it would only cause me no end of trouble and pain; it's the same for my appearance, my moods, and my thoughts. I was wrong to think that I could eliminate the ones I didn't like, the ones I considered wrong or unhealthy. Instead of fighting against them and making myself miserable, I have to accept them so that I can let them happen, whilst preventing them from taking control.

It's OK to be angry, it's OK to cry, it's OK to be happy, it's OK to be me. I don't have to try to be happy all the time, but I can try to be happy more often, and find more joy in my life; that's a more realistic goal. I can stop searching for magic formulae and overnight success, because they don't exist.

The road to self-development is a strange path: it is different for each person, and it is not something you look for, or find, because we are already on it; all we have to do is to open our eyes and minds to it.

A closed fist cannot receive a gift, a closed mind cannot receive a gift of knowledge, a closed heart cannot receive a gift of love, and none of them are able to give.

Among the books I've read, the one that has helped me most, and the one that I would recommend is "Life 101 - Everything We Wish We had Learned about Life in School, but didn't", by John Roger and Peter McWilliams. It's practical, comforting and, at times, highly amusing. If you have the courage to have your eyes, heart, and mind opened, I suggest you take a look at it.

Happy Trails!

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