Why Can't We Just be Friends?	back to Articles
Written by Phil Heinricy · First published in 6ft+ magazine

Billy Crystal set a lot of discussions in motion when he theorised in the film "When Harry met Sally", that men and women can never be just friends because, and I paraphrase "...sex will always get in the way".

Well, can they be "just good friends", or is there some unalterable flaw in the make up of homo sapiens that makes a pure and simple friendship between members of the opposite sex impossible?

Maybe we need to look at same sex friendships, too. Women can be close friends, and no-one thinks anything of it. They can laugh together, cry together, have fun together, and sex will hardly ever become an issue. It's slightly different for men who, it appears, can be butch and manly, and do all of the manly things that men do together, but I have yet to see a man cry openly on another man's shoulder. Society's conditioning and stereotyping immediately writes him off as a 'wimp', 'cissy', 'poofter', 'weakling', or whatever other derogatory term the observer may see fit to apply. Just think of the public ridicule that Paul Gascoigne has been subjected to, since he allowed his frustration and disappointment to show, by openly shedding tears.

Yes, it's the guys who are the weaklings, no matter how much they hide their sadness or grief. It takes a strong man to show his feelings, without fearing the effect it will have on those around him; it takes just as strong a man to accept such a display from another, without being embarrassed or in any way judgemental.

So why can't men and women be 'just good friends'? I believe that they can, as long as they don't allow the perceptions of those around them to colour their judgement, and don't feel that they have to pursue certain behaviour patterns, just because they feel that is what might be expected of them.

What attracts two people of the opposite sex in the first place? Like it or not, exactly the same thing that attracts members of the same sex to one another: appearance, demeanour, sense of humour, confidence, etc.. So, if you enjoy the company of a member of the opposite sex, why spoil it all by shifting the relationship in the direction of hot and sweaty ooohing and aaahing? No rule says it has to be that way.

Mind you, you can't win. If you say that you are just good friends, people will make their own assumptions about your relationship, on the basis of "thou dost protest too much", and if you let them think what they want to think, then it's a matter of "I thought so". Why not just let people think what they want to think - as long as you know the truth, why worry about the opinions of others?

I have found much to be gained from friendships, regardless of whether they were same or opposite sex involvements. The personal growth that takes place within good friendships is far more valuable than 8 minutes (the national average, so I am told) of frantic thrashing about, followed by an almost inevitable shift in the relationship.

Of course, sometimes it can make the relationship even closer and stronger but, more usually, it will bring complications, jealousy, doubts, guilt, and a few other emotions into play. Was it worth it, when the other person held such value in a simply personal relationship? I'm not saying that any physical involvement should be out of the question, only that it has to be judged on its individual merit, and for its own reasons, at the time.

Naturally, there are people who can totally separate sex from personal relationships and friendships, but they are few and far between. Sex is something special in a relationship, to most people, as it becomes the final seal of togetherness, rather than just a recreational activity. I don't want to get into a theological or moral discussion about this aspect, only to say that if sex becomes a natural progression in a friendship, then maybe it is on course to become something quite different. For some reason, all of us seem to change a little, once a relationship becomes physical, and we lose much of what brought and held us together in the first place, for a time at least.

The butch, manly thing to do when a man and a woman enjoy a good relationship is to start the innuendo: "You're alright there, mate", etc. Actually, it isn't butch and manly at all, rather it is infantile and fatuous. By the same token, there are also plenty of women who could never conceive of a purely platonic friendship between a man and a woman.

Is there any reason why a man and a woman shouldn't simply enjoy each other's company, be happy to spend time together doing things they enjoy? What if they each have partners? Once again, the insecurities within most people will ruffle more than a few feathers.

My wife likes to go out with her friends on occasion, and even goes on holiday alone. to visit friends, some male some female. I enjoy the peace and quiet, secure in the knowledge that she will be home soon, with lots to tell and share. Most of my acquaintances can't understand it, will never understand it, because the are still ruled by the old conventions: Me Tarzan - you Jane!

Likewise, I sometimes go off to do the things that I enjoy, and she does not particularly want to share, other than as a happily related story of my experiences when I return.

I have many good female friends, my wife many good male friends. With some of them, we have several, quite different, relationships: we both have our individual relationships with them, as well as the relationship as a couple. It was the same before we ever got together. We both had friends of both sexes, and enjoyed each friendship for what it was, and for the joy and pleasure each brought to our lives.

It's always sad to hear someone talking about needing to find a partner with a particular profile. Among tall people it appears to be the case that so many of them feel such a strong need to find a partner who is of an 'appropriate' height, that everything else takes second place. Such is the desperation, that the usual 'get to know you' period is forcibly truncated. This so often makes the other person feel like nothing more than an object of desire, the quarry in a hunt, and puts them under enormous pressure. Thus, they guard against allowing the relationship to develop on a personal level, and everyone loses out. The pursuer frightens away a potential friend and, possibly, future partner, while the pursued backs off from that and other future relationships, because they do not want to be pushed into something they do not feel the need for.

Yes, friendships between members of the opposite sex can and do work, but only when both parties recognise that such friendships can have value far beyond that of a long term emotional involvement.

You can talk, laugh and cry with your friends, you can hug, cuddle, and kiss them too. Nowhere in the rules does it say that you have to 'bonk' them as well. Enjoy relationships for what they are or could become, without trying to make them into something they were never meant to be. If it does turn into a long term partnership, it's a bonus, with the added benefit that by the time it gets that far, you are already friends, and your chances of a successful long term relationship are infinitely better.

And if it doesn't take that route, what has been learned and gained from the friendship will increase the chances of success for that close emotional relationship, when it does happen along.

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